Legal Muse

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Talk about a blast from the past. It’s a small, small world.


After a long night on mid-shift at the Pentagon, I’m coming home and entering through the front lobby of my apartment complex. As I’m walking in, I notice a person on crutches hobbling towards me. Being a well-bred Northerner, I decide to wait and hold the door open for him, then proceed to open the second set for of doors for him. This is all a reflection upon how awesome I actually am. Meanwhile, I notice that he’s wearing a Red Sox hat. Not being able to help myself, I declare:

Me: “So you’re a Red Sox fan eh?”
Him: “Yup, I’m from the area as well.”
Me: “Oh really? I’m from MA too!”
Him: “Cool, where are you from?”
Me: “Shrewsbury, you?”
Him: “North Brookfield.”

I pause as I remember someone I knew in North Brookfield…

Me: “Hey you would happen to know Jane Doe, would you?” (Jane Doe is a girl I knew in high school. Real name undisclosed for privacy).

He pauses and stares at me…. then begins to glare at me, like he’s seeing me in a new light…

Him: “Yeah, I do. Actually, I used to date her in high school.”

At this point I realize that this is the same guy who sent me threatening emails when I was a freshman in high school declaring that he was going to track me down and kill me because he thought his girlfriend (Jane Doe) was cheating on him with me. For the record, that presumption was extremely untrue. I think he knew it was me because I said I lived in Shrewsbury. At this point, I have the following options:

a. Panic/Run Away
b. Say “Yeah, I f***ed her, you were right”, then casually walk away like a bad ass. Over my shoulder I smugly add, “Twice.”
c. Stutter, then awkwardly attempt to end the conversation
d. Feign a sudden loss of hearing, or pretend that you don’t actually know the same people, and that you didn’t really mean THAT Jane Doe.
e. Steal his crutch and begin beating him – either because it’s just fun to beat up crippled people, or because deep down I still don’t appreciate being threatened back in high school.

Remember, this guy actually lives in my apartment complex now.



Written by DMN

July 29, 2008 at 7:09 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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11 Responses

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  1. The correct answer is “B”. Wussing out is always not an option. Cocky, but funny is definitely the right approach. Think about it…. You are successful (right?), you have a hot girlfriend, you are not 14, and he is on crutches. You win!!!



    July 29, 2008 at 7:45 am

  2. What does being a ‘well-bred northerner’ have to do with anything? You know they say everyone in the South is so polite compared to the north. I’m just sayin….

    I think you should have given him a good ‘your mom’ joke or a ‘your face’ joke. Maybe a “Yeah, well I dated your mom.” (I’m chuckling to myself as I type.) Maybe you could vary your option b with a “Yeah, I did your mom…twice.” Then beat him with the crutch.

    Or, better yet, you could point him out to me next time you see him and I’ll threaten him. We’ll see how he likes being threatened by someone’s significant other when they’ve never met. This could be bad…every guy on crutches in our building is going to be a target of mine.

    You could have told him about the two ferocious dogs you own, and how you’ll sick them on him if he ever threatens you. and don’t forget the attack kitty.


    July 29, 2008 at 7:48 am

  3. I like this Chill person.


    July 29, 2008 at 7:49 am

  4. I used the term “well-bred Northerner” to refer to being a member of an esteemed social class. I’ll explain someday, honey.

    I like the “Yeah, well I did your Mom…. twice.” with the additional threat of my Ninja Girlfriend standing up for me and kicking his handicap ass. Guinness and Little could come in for the victory piss (on the dude).


    July 29, 2008 at 8:12 am

  5. Decisions decisions decisions… I like the “let bygones be bygones” plan best as my overt response. I’d make sure a lot of people knew how I didn’t hold a grudge and that I hoped we could put it all behind us. Even shake hands.

    My discrete response is to know everything about the guy and ensure that in the event of anything untimely, others could use that information appropriatly. Or, if needed, take the appropriate action. Sometimes its good to know that someone tends to be at a certain place at a certain time. Apparently, restraining orders are like candy these days.

    And it would motivate me even more to get in shape, train, keep my ninja girlfriend close and learn to use the two dogs as nunchuka. If you tied their leashes together, held onto the big one, whirled the little one around your head, and then released just right, I think he’d have two dogs wrapped around his neck (and everyone would get peed on). You can learn to be a pirate, so you can have a pirate and a ninja in the same room! It would be so cool!

    – T. Ohhe

    T. Ohhe

    July 29, 2008 at 11:11 am

  6. I noticed that my usual ninja thunder was stolen, so that doesn’t leave me with a lot of options in my arsenal against a dude in crutches. Seriously, what can you really do against a chump in crutches? Here is my crutch story:

    This story occurred in my chair force days when I was a young rice eater. My friend Hal from Nebraska and I roll into a briefing in Keesler Air Force Base, Mississippi. We’re just chilling and trying to stay awake through the briefing when we’re suddenly woken by the whisper of my last name with chics giggling afterwards.

    Me: Dude, was that my name?
    Hal: Yeah, do you remember that dude?
    Me: No. Why did he say my name?
    Hal: He’s making up sh!t about how you wrecked a government truck?
    Me: I thought I was in survival school when someone drove a truck into an instructor’s minivan.
    Hal: Yeah, it’s that FUKCER!

    The f-word silenced all the side conversations in this room. At this moment, I had no idea why Hal was pissed about my name being used maliciously, so this guy can get some punani. Whether logic has any matter in this situation was irrelevant because Hal is an imposing figure. He stands up and yells at everyone to get the fukc out. I walk over to the only exit and block the dude trying to escape on his crutches. Hal easily knocks the pudgy guy in crutches over the desk/chair combo module. Then the mystery was finally unraveled.

    Hal: Do you remember me fukcface?
    Pudgy crutch dude: No.

    Hal at this point had him by his neck.

    Hal: Well, do you remember trying to hit on my sister?
    Pudgy crutch dude: No.
    Hal: Short magenta skirt?

    Oh snap! The image of Hal’s hot jail-bait sister suddenly popped into my head. I also wondered how did a muscle-head like Hal could distinguish magenta. Anyway, the pudgy crutch dude supposedly managed to get to at least to the second base with Hal’s sister and Hal never had a chance to get his revenge. Well, Hal finally beat him senselessly. It was amusing watching the pudgy dude’s cast leg flinching upwards every time Hal drilled his jackhammer fists into him.

    So, Hal wasn’t really defending the honor of my surname, rather he wanted to get his revenge on one of many guys who managed to fondle his hot slutty sister. Is there a point to this story? Not really.


    July 29, 2008 at 3:39 pm

  7. Oh, definitely option B. But then, I’m not one for tact. Or grace. Or common sense.


    July 29, 2008 at 5:03 pm

  8. I think Option B is the winner.


    July 29, 2008 at 6:06 pm

  9. Well B with a little twist. I would mentioned that you “F” her and mention that shortly after that encounter, you got a call from her telling you to get checked for the herp-da-lerps. tell him you did and that you passed, but he might want to get check. At this point, the cripled dude’s head is going all shades of red. to make sure his head explodes, ask him, ” you did not marry her did you?” and then just laugh and walk away.


    July 30, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  10. Pak tha Ca wicked Staavin

    That is my best New England area accent.

    Anyway remember one thing he is going to be off those crutches and he may be a bigger “Billy Badass” than you.

    That being said, I say you should go with “b”, but be cool about it. Tell him this “You’re the kind of guy whose calling me a punk, while you’re main girl is chewing my Chunk”. Wussing out is NOT AN OPTION! He may even become your best friend that. Keep us posted!


    July 30, 2008 at 6:56 pm

  11. GMEN – I like your solution best, considering you integrate a rhyme.

    My only issue is that I’m not sure I would want a girl to “chew” my “chunk”. Chewing is rarely pleasant on body part, and if “chunk” is referring to what I’m thinking it’s referring to, I think I’ll pass. Still, I’ll use that line if I see him again. I’ll be sure to add “BITCH”, on the end of that one-liner.

    By the way, you have a retarded email address.


    July 31, 2008 at 1:58 am

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